Inside the Inner Sanctum of Mental Health
Content warning — this post discusses suicidal feelings.
This article holds a special place in my heart as it’s dedicated to my ‘inner circle’ of four friends who have supported me throughout my journey.
With Mental Health Awareness Week approaching, I felt by revisiting some of the darkest moments would help to shine a light on the perspectives of my friends, who are unwavering pillars of my recovery.
I’ll never forget the night of August 18, 2018, in Singapore when I reached my lowest point. Sending out four simple WhatsApp messages saying ‘I love you’ felt like my last goodbye. One friend, all the way in LA, sensed my distress as if by telepathy. It’s still surreal to think I ever reached such depths of despair.
I realize what binds us together in my ‘Circle of Trust.’ They each bring laughter, integrity, and life experiences that inform their support for me. To all of them, I simply want to say, “Thank you for everything.”
When you first noticed signs of my mental health challenges, what crossed your mind?
Ask anyone about their initial observations and reactions upon noticing signs of poor mental health challenges. They’ll be quite varied depending on different factors so asking my friends to reflect on their initial observations of my mental health challenges has been a revelation.
I’m struck by the depth of their journey alongside me. Their recounting of various moments, where I revealed my past suicide attempt and grappling with my past, paints a vivid picture of their concern and compassion.
What stands out is their honesty about feeling uncertain about how to support me, especially as they witnessed my withdrawal from society upon my return from Singapore. Despite their genuine desire to help, ‘they candidly admit to feeling unsure of the best course of action without formal mental health training.’
Their narrative takes a poignant turn when they recall receiving distressing emails from me after a prolonged silence, prompting them to question their authenticity and reach out to mutual friends for confirmation. This experience underscores the emotional toll of witnessing a friend’s struggle with mental health and the ‘sense of helplessness’ that often accompanies it.
Overall, their response reveals a complex interplay of concern, confusion, and a genuine desire to offer support in the face of mental health challenges within the context of our friendship. It serves as a reminder of the importance of empathy, communication, and seeking professional guidance when navigating such delicate situations.
Reflect on your approach to supporting me during my recovery journey.
In their reflection on supporting me during my recovery journey, one friend offers a deeply introspective perspective on the intricacies of friendship amid mental health challenges. They emphasize the importance of embracing a compassionate and non-judgmental stance, acknowledging the limitations of attempting to “fix” someone else’s struggles. This recognition speaks to their profound understanding of the boundaries necessary in supporting a friend through challenging times, while also ‘respecting my autonomy in my healing journey.’
Moreover, their emphasis on reestablishing connection and fostering open communication underscores the profound impact of genuine connection. By sharing their own struggles, they ‘create a space of vulnerability and mutual understanding,’ fostering an environment where we both feel seen and validated.
Their admission of initially attempting to intervene with genuine desire also highlights the complexity of supporting someone through mental health struggles. Through introspection, they recognize the importance of allowing me to navigate my own path, free from external pressures or expectations.
Additionally, their acknowledgment of geographical distance reveals a sense of frustration. This recognition further underscores their commitment to my well-being, as they reflect on potential ways to facilitate access to formal mental health support.
Undoubtedly the nature of our friendships have evolved amidst my mental health challenges, characterized by empathy and humility. It stands as a testament to the transformative power of friendship in navigating the complexities of mental health recovery.
What hurdles have you encountered in grasping the full extent of my mental health struggles?
They candidly acknowledge the difficulty of comprehending my experiences without having personally gone through similar struggles themselves. However, they recognised the significance of ‘actively listening’ and engaging with my writing as avenues to deepen their understanding of my journey.
One of the most significant hurdles they faced was the feeling of being shut out by me during periods of prolonged silence. They reflect on the challenge of recognizing that their role ‘was simply to offer support and be present for me and respecting boundaries.’ Distance has meant grappling with the inability to physically check-in and being able to provide support from afar.
Given greater understanding of mental health issues, how might you have supported me differently?
By drawing upon their own experiences and understanding of mental illness helped to inform their understanding of certain behaviors. ‘Recognising the importance of patience, understanding, and avoiding taking things personally.’
They reject the notion of an imbalanced dynamic in our friendships, highlighting mutual respect and shared experiences that characterize our relationships. Despite practical imbalances like money and housing, they emphasize the significance of small gestures, ‘check-ins’, and open communication in maintaining connection.
Acknowledging a desire to have been more compassionate, understanding, and patient in hindsight, without imposing expectations. By learning more about the complexities of suggesting professional support has demonstrated a nuanced understanding of the delicate balance of respecting boundaries.
Share any unexpected observations or revelations you’ve had regarding your own mental health during this period of support.
By offering insightful reflections on their own mental health journey has highlighted the ‘transformative power of openness and vulnerability.’ They express how my willingness to discuss mental illness has inspired them to speak more openly about their own feelings, fostering deeper connections and conversations. They commend my vulnerability and suggest that by sharing it more widely, I could potentially help many others, particularly men who struggle to open up.
Moreover, they emphasize the reciprocal nature of honesty and vulnerability within our friendships, noting that while they were able to support me, they also felt cared for and understood in return. This mutual exchange has helped to further strengthen our bond and ‘the healing power of genuine connection.’ This recognition has motivated them to engage in further healing work and offered me an opportunity to learn about other forms of therapy, demonstrating their commitment to personal growth and self-awareness.
Furthermore, they highlight the importance of helping others as a means of fostering their own well-being, emphasizing the transformative power of kindness and compassion. This authentic ‘self-reflection has fueled our commitment to personal and collective healing.’
My Own Reflections
Despite my ongoing struggles with loneliness and isolation, I count myself fortunate to have these few individuals in my life. They are my rock, my confidants, and my support system. I cherish their presence and the depth of our connections, knowing firsthand the pain of feeling broken and the importance of genuine relationships.
Since I publicly shared my first suicide attempt in 2018, I’ve experienced loss in unexpected ways. Two close friends, whom I had known for many years, drifted away. Their absence left a void, and I grappled with feelings of abandonment. But as Shakespeare aptly put it, ‘life is like a play — full of twists and turns, with characters entering and exiting the stage.’
One of the greatest challenges of living with mental illness is the fear of burdening those around you. As someone who struggles with self-esteem issues, I often need validation from others. But I’m learning that true ‘self-love doesn’t depend on external validation.’ It’s a journey of acceptance and self-discovery, one that I must embark on alone.
As I navigate these challenges, I am reminded of the unwavering support of my inner circle. Their presence reinforces the importance of gratitude and mutual support, reminding me that ‘I am not alone in this journey.’ Together, we weather the storms of life, finding strength and solace in each other’s company.
Let’s end the article with a music video from one of my favourite 80’s soul bands — Shalamar.
